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Firming
Things Up |
1. |
One
morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his
wife,
pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed
this up, we could get
rid of your control top panty hose".
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.
The next morning, the man
woke his wife with a pinch on
each of
her breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed these
up, we could
get rid of your bra."
This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over
and
grabbed him by his "wackie".
With a death grip in place, she said,
"You
know, if you firmed
this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman,
the pool man, and your brother."
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How
To Impress A Woman: |
| 2. |
*
Show up naked ... Bring chicken wings ... Don't block
the TV
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3. |
( Under
age 40? You won't understand. )
You could hardly see for all the snow,
Spread the rabbit ears as far as they go.
Pull a chair up to the TV set,
"Good Night, David.
Good Night, Chet."
I Love Lucy, The Real McCoys,
Dennis the Menace, the Cleaver boys,
Rawhide, Gunsmoke, Wagon Train,
Superman, Jimmy and Lois Lane.
I wanna go back to black and white.
Everything always turned out right.
Simple people, simple lives...
Good guys always won the fights.
In God they trusted, alone in bed, they slept,
A promise made was a promise kept.
They never cussed or broke their vows.
They'd never make the network now.
I'd trade all the channels on the satellite,
If I could just turn back the clock tonight
Pass this to someone (over age 40, of course)
,
and brighten
their day by helping them to remember that life's
most simple pleasures are very often the best!
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Are You
Old Enuf to "Get" These?? |
| 4. |
Reporters
interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you
think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter
asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
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| 5. |
The
nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own
Easter eggs.
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| 6. |
Just
before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to
the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your
husband?" "98," she replied. "Two
years older than me." "So you're 96," the
undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth
going home is it?"
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| 7. |
I've
sure gotten old. I've had two by-pass surgeries, a hip
replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer, and diabetes.
I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet
engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy,
winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.
But..... Thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license!
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| 8. |
A
97 year old man goes into his doctor's office and says,
"Doc, I want my sex drive lowered." "Sir",
replied the doctor, "You're 97. Don't you think your
sex drive is all in your head?""You're damned
right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why
I want it lowered!"
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| 9. |
God,
grant me the senility, to forget the people I never liked
anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
the eyesight to tell the difference.
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| 10. |
An
elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will
and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had
two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated,
and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales.
"Bloomingdales!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why
Bloomingdales?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters
visit me twice a week."
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Louisiana |
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| 11. |
A few things
to know about Louisiana:
Possums
sleep in the middle of the road with their feet
in the air.
There
are 5,000 types of snakes, and 4,998 live in Louisiana.
There
are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in
Louisiana, plus a couple that nobody has seen
before.
Squirrels will eat anything.
Unknown
critters love to dig holes under tomato plants.
Raccoons
will test your crop of melons and let you know
when they are ripe.
If
it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.
A tractor is NOT an all-terrain vehicle. They
do get stuck.
Onced and Twiced are words.
It
is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy.
Fire
ants consider your flesh as a picnic.
People
actually grow and eat okra.
"Fixinto"
is one word.
There
ain't no such thing as "lunch." There's
"dinner" and then there's "supper."Sweet
tea is appropriate for all meals, and you start
drinking it when you're two."Backwards and
forwards" means, "I know everything
about you."
"Jeet?" is actually a phrase meaning
"Did you eat?"
You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't
matter what time it is.
You work until you're done or it's too dark to
see.
More about Louisianans....
You
know you're from Louisiana if:
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1.
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You
measure distance in minutes. |
2. |
You've
ever had to switch from heat to air conditioning
in the same day. |
3. |
You
see a car running in a store parking lot with
no one in it no matter
what time of the year. |
4.
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You
use "fix" as a verb. Example: I
am fixing to go to the store. |
5.
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All
the festivals across the state are named after
a fruit, vegetable,
grain, insect or animal. |
6. |
You install security lights on your house
and garage and leave both unlocked. |
7. |
You
carry jumper cables in your car... for your
OWN car. |
8. |
You
only own four spices: salt, pepper, Tabasco
and ketchup. |
9. |
The
local papers cover national and international
news on one page and six pages for local gossip
and sports. |
10.
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You
think that the first day of deer season is
a national holiday. |
11.
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You
find 100 degrees Fahrenheit "a little
warm." |
12. |
You
know all four seasons: almost summer, summer,
still summer, and
Christmas. |
13. |
Going
to Wal-mart is a favorite past time known
as "Goin' wal-martin"
or "Off to ' Wally World'." |
14. |
You
describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees)
as good gumbo weather. |
15. |
A
carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola,
or pop...it's a Coke, regardless of brand
or flavor. Example: "What kinna coke
you want?" |
16. |
Fried
Catfish is the other white meat. |
17.
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You
understand these and forward them to your
friends from Louisiana (and those who just
wish they were). |
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